Been Thinkin’ About…Fathers

Been Thinkin’ About…Fathers

 

By John W. Vander Velden                          

 

It would seem suitable that June would be a time to think about fathers.  With the holiday approaching my mind has moved in that direction lately.  For most of us Father’s day takes our thoughts to our own fathers…and that’s good.  It is good to think outside of ourselves.  It is good to remember our dads.  Those of us that are fortunate to have had fathers worth remembering in any case.  I was.  But growing up television programs were filled with fathers.  Father Knows Best, Make Room for Daddy, and hundreds of other programs that showed families headed by strong good nearly perfect men. Though there is no “reality” on television…never was…these “characters” did often revel noble attributes.  But they could never be a true measuring stick for men facing the real challenges of real life.  I hope none of us measured our dads against these actors moving about in perfectly manufactured scenes. 

But lately my mind has focused on another father…me.  I wonder, constantly, how do I measure up?  Being a father was always part of my life’s plan.  I’m big on plans…too big.  As I look back I understand that I stepped into the role even before my son arrived.  Now twenty-two years later, I’m still at the job.  There’s no retirement plan folks.  Yet I wonder.  How did I measure up?  For so many years, work’s obligations stole moments my son rightly deserved.  Was I there when I needed to be?  Did I have enough energy to give?  Was I always fair?  Life in our home was different.  I believe each home is a unique environment.  But did I give enough, not things but of myself?

People see my son and tell me I’ve been a good father, as if I could have forced him to become the fine young person he has become.  I remind them that the jury’s still out on that.  I’m not certain that even Nick will have the platform to judge my success, and his character can not be the measure of my inputs alone.  I had a lot of help.  His father might be responsible for his height but perhaps little else.  You see everything about “fathering” was new to me.  Each challenge a first time thing.  It was kinda’ like traveling an “unknown country” with so many events coming and me feeling so unprepared and wondering if I handled them best. 

As I consider Father’s Day and my actions as a father, perhaps it would be wisest to dwell less on what I consider successes and failures, and just trust my heart and continue on…continuing on.  To understand that I am flawed and it is unreasonable to expect perfection in all of my actions.  To trust that love will guide when I stumble along wondering what is best.  To just be…and not second-guess…the best father I can be at the moment…each moment…every moment…and accept that I will be good enough.

So another Father’s Day approaches and I think about my father and the grandfathers I never knew and all those male ancestors to the beginning of time.  I think about effort and sacrifice.  I know that they too had moments of self-doubt.  But I am grateful…so very grateful for them all.  I think about my son.  I wonder if one day he too will make the conscious choice to join the ranks of fatherhood.  Yes, on Sunday, gifts will be exchanged and words spoken and that’s nice too…but…I’ve been thinking about fathers and what being a father really means….

 

(596 Words)    6-10-2016