The Past

  The Past

By John W. Vander Velden

 

My dad remembered his past.  He did not speak often to me about the world in which he grew up.  But when kin or friends from Holland came for a visit they would spend hours reliving the years of long ago.

Dad remembered, and dad thought that remembering was important.  But he never took the time to consider why it was important.  He never dwelled on the whys.  The past was exactly that…past.  It brought you to the now, but how it did, really didn’t matter to him.  He was well read and could discuss many topics.  He carried strong opinions…often unswayable views.  But he never saw the reason to just study how the things that had happened in his life shaped the man he became.  I don’t think he ever took the time to even consider exactly what he was.  My father was a decent, hardworking, Christian man, and that was enough.

Jacob Vander Velden, my father, told me I thought too much.  Maybe I do.  It’s nothing new.  I guess I have always “thought too much” about too many things.  He told me I thought too much about my faith.  I’m not certain that’s even possible.  To dad GOD was GOD and that was enough.  He trusted GOD in every aspect of his life without question.  Perhaps I envy that.  Then again perhaps dad kept his questions private between himself and the Master of the Universe.  Fearing that if he didn’t, his children might get the wrong idea.  GOD was GOD, JESUS saves, and the HOLY SPIRIT was everywhere and in us all.  That was clear…black and white…and to him it seemed enough.

He’d learned it in his childhood…his past.  And he did not dwell upon the meanings of his past.

I look at things closer.  I study the whys, when my mind races back to years ago.  Sometimes late at night.  Sometimes when I ride my bike or walk down the road.  I have this need to figure out…why…and how…and sometimes the when.  I understand that these things built me piece by piece.  I also understand the GOD’s hand was in the building one way or the other.

But for me these “deep” thoughts are important.  To remind myself that events touched me in more ways than the obvious.  That I have at times been supported and other times hurt.  Remembering my “feelings” should help me to always consider the feelings of others and tread more carefully.

Yet there were times I was insensitive.  There were time I blundered stomping on the emotions of others “willy-nilly”.  Times when I place my own needs first.  You see I’m human.  But that is not a good excuse.  I understand that I’m not perfect, but….

         As time passes I think about those actions as well.  Those are the most troubling memories, as I wonder how I could have been so thoughtless or careless.  They are the difficult things I face when I judge myself…harshly.  Even years later those failings haunt me.  Growth comes from both successes and failures.  I must remind myself that by not sweeping those events aside as no value, I show myself that I have learned…something.  I understand that perfection is beyond my reach, but my imperfection cannot be an acceptable reason for poor behavior that happened years ago…might happen today…and likely will happened tomorrow.

Maybe that’s the most important thing about the past…my personal past that is…and my continuous evaluation of my history.  To understand me…better.  To strive to make me…better.  To look forward and know that I am both good and evil, but to do my best to keep the dark parts under control.  Always trying to tap in the very best GOD has given me.  To learn from my mistakes and humbly accept my successes.  For today, I stand upon a foundation of the past’s stones, doing my best, with GOD’s help, to build myself into something better for tomorrow.  

(665 Words)         9-25-2017