Self-reliance

Self-reliance              

By John W. Vander Velden

 

I think self-reliance is an admirable quality, but, in truth, none of us achieve complete independence.  No matter how we strive to “deal with it” on our own, sooner or later we find that help is needed one way or the other.  Yet many of us strive to “take on the world” all by ourselves.  Hmmmmmmm….

This comes to the forefront of my mind because my son approaches an important milestone, his college graduation.  And having a degree opens doors he has yearned to step through.  Nick is very ready, mentally, to begin his life.  I am certain he feels that all the years of schooling are just that…schooling, and now the real “stuff” can begin.  There is a bit of truth to that…but just a bit.  For our lives start, at the beginning, even before our earliest memories.  Life is about steps taken…doors pass through…ordinary days and the extra ordinary ones.  Life is about living and it is made up of all the days we are given…including our youth and ALL the years of our education.

Yesterday Nick signed a lease agreement for an apartment out of state.  He moves soon.  He has done all the leg work, the research, the correspondence, the driving, the paying, on his own, and I respect him for that.  It is a sign of his self-reliance.  Nick has the need to prove himself, to his parents perhaps, but to himself mostly.  People tell me that he needs this job in another state to build his independence.  I just shake my head and think he has been independent for five years, living on his own, only reaching out for help in the most dire of emergencies…it practically never happens.  He would scarcely be more independent if he lived on the moon!

He’ll be living five or six hours away…not too far I suppose, but it hurts.  His self-reliance breaks our hearts.  Not because we do not want him to stand on his own two feet, but rather our mind clings to the time when he didn’t need to.  I think that is the crux of it.  As parents it is hard for us to accept the change in roles that we face.  Nick’s independence and self-reliance are signs of a “cord” cut that can never be knotted together in the same way again.  We stand quietly and watch as he takes a divergent road knowing that we are left behind…spectators…proud to be certain, but spectators all the same.

Nick is not the only one that will see a grand change in his life.

We want Nick to be self-reliant.  We want him to be independent.  We want him to live his own productive life.  Yet as we see our own involvement shrinking, we smile while feeling left behind…even though being left behind was the goal in the first place. 

There is something to be said about goals, of planning, of succeeding.  But with anything gained a price must be paid, and only parents understand the price of their child’s self-reliance.

 (510 Words)  4-11-2018