Who I Am

 

Who I Am

 

By John W. Vander Velden

 

Perhaps it is counterproductive to take the time for self-examination. Yet I find there are moments when I ask the questions in an attempt to understand …who I am. For, hopefully, the answer to those inquiries is deeper that the reflection I see in my bathroom mirror. I believe that each of us is much more than the veneer we show the world around us. The part of us revealed by our actions as we go about living the most ordinary portions of our lives.

It is not for me to decide the value of my actions, any more than I should choose which tasks I engage, or which people I take the time to aid or assist. Those activities, which I decide to do, are mostly shaped subconsciously by the man I am. Others will judge if the way I spend my time is a benefit or a bane, and yet I, on occasion, wonder about the quality of the person I am becoming.

For I understand that I am molded by the activities in which I participate, by the things I select to observe, choose to hear, or pick up to read. So times come when I must take a deeper examination of how these stimuli work to form the man I am becoming. And whether those changes are for my best.

Or the best for those near me. Those I interact with each day.

Yet, I am the first to admit that I am not the person to make that designation...of whether I am in a process of growth or decline. A person cannot be objective enough when looking inward, can they? The fact is I have hashed over my personal failings thousands of times. Events long ago gnaw at me still...remind me of the flawed person that moves about within my skin.

Does self-incrimination drive one to improve?

Perhaps.

I think it can, if, in my case, if I recognize the root causes that drove my actions, see my error, and understand how I should have behaved. Each person must address their own past ghosts and the effects of their hauntings.

As for me I feel that I have changed. That time and life has worked to make me into a different person than the one of years ago. I have learned. I have accepted. I have grown.

Late at night, in the dark, when I search myself deeply...privately...I must accept the man I have become while I remain dedicated in my attempt to improve myself. The task would be impossible except for my faith in something far beyond me. For woven within the fabric of who I am, is what I am...a child of God.

For it is my hope, my deepest hope, that my God and the faith I carry within me, pushes me to become something more that skin, muscles, organs, bones, and mind. That what I am is more than this vessel you might see.

More than the vessel I see.

For I have confidence that God sees deeper that even my critical self-examinations. Deeper than I could possibly imagine.

So these few words offer me a method to study myself in a new way. To lay out some of the puzzle pieces that make up this man, the pretty parts and the ugly. To handle each with the reverence they deserve. For I would love to cast aside some of the pieces of that puzzle, but the picture of who I am could not be completed without them.

But God has taken those pieces. The ones I am proud of. The ones I regret. Washed each of them clean in a way that only the Almighty is able. He is aiding in my assembly of the puzzle I am...each day. Helping me move forward day by day. Strengthening weary muscles and failing intensions. You see I know that, in the end, if I remain focused on the larger realities, God is helping me to become...who I am.

  (670 Words) 12-10-2021